Category Archives: identity

ADHD, anxiety, Bell Let's Talk, bipolar disorder, depression, ecmp355, identity, mental health, mental wellness, selfhood, silence, STARS, STARS Regina, stigma, Twitter chat, vulnerability

Battling Stigma with Stories

Screen Shot 2016-02-04 at 12.02.28 AM.png

This tweet from my friend Kendra hit me right in the guts.  

It came from a Twitter chat on how teachers can support students and colleagues alongside mental health. I am one of the Executive Directors of a group called S.T.A.R.S. Regina, and we decided to host this Twitter chat on #BellLetsTalk Day to open up the conversation about mental health while also raising money for mental health initiatives in Canada.

12417685_1514987248802228_4508505647200605803_nIf you missed the chat, you can catch up by checking out the Storify here.

Anyway, Kendra’s tweet hit me right in the guts because I can relate to getting emotional when it comes to the topic of mental health. I think we all can. Most of us have either experienced mental illness ourselves or have a friend, sister, uncle, cousin, grandparent, or other loved one who immediately comes to mind when we hear the phrase.

For me, that person is my mom. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2006.  Throughout my schooling, she was in and out of hospitals in Weyburn and Regina and also spent time in the Mental Health Inpatient Unit at Tatagwa View in Weyburn. For certain periods, my sister and I lived with my aunt, uncle, and cousins while my brother lived with our other aunt, uncle, and cousins. We were able to visit her from time to time but to be honest, I hated going.

The memories swirl in my head… The pungent smell of disinfectant. Long hallways with stupid street signs. A pale pink sweatshirt, her long-ago favourite. Bathrooms with no doors; no privacy for those who might hurt themselves. The stranger in my mom’s body. The empty conversation. Feeling guilty, feeling weak, feeling helpless. Hating the flowers and the “get well soon” cards for putting pressure on her. Staring at the falling leaves out the van window, refusing to let the tears fall.

 

 

It was tough for a long time. I used to talk about it more. In eighth grade, I did a research project on bipolar disorder for health, and I remember saying to my classmates: “I chose to research bipolar disorder because my mom lives with it.” I was so brave. As I got older, I started to keep it to myself more and more. I didn’t want anyone to see my mom as less than the way I saw her: strong, beautiful, confident, resilient, independent, selfless, and passionate. I didn’t want anyone to question her love for us or for others’ perceptions of her to be tainted because of her mental illness.

And so the story goes. The terrible stigma keeps many of us quiet. Afraid to speak out for fear of being seen as less competent as a parent, less able to do your job, or less desirable as a friend or partner. A few people voiced these fears during the chat.

It can be so hard to speak out when your reputation, your competence, and your selfhood are on the line. I have a few dear friends who have faced these fears and put themselves at risk by sharing their stories.

In this post, Meagan embraces vulnerability, writing about how she has come to accept her struggle with anxiety.  

“I am proud of the fact that I able to share my story. If anything, I believe that my anxiety has not been a hinderance; rather, I am now able to see it as an asset – because of my anxiety, I am strong. Although the journey has not been easy, I am now able to say that I accept the fact that I struggle with my mental health – every, single, day.” –Meagan Dobson

In this post, Katia shares about her experience with depression, acknowledging that silence is a form of complicity in the stigma.

“So instead of struggling in silence, I am speaking out. I am using my own privilege to try to break down some of that ugly stigma. It’s okay to be depressed. It does not make me weak, or unreliable, or a burden.” –Katia Hildebrandt

In this post, Dave shares his journey with ADHD and depression and urges others to share as well.

“Speak as if your life, or the life of your loved ones, counts upon it, because it probably does.  Let us raise our voices and break the stigma of mental illness.  Those who have fought this battle or are fighting this battle, you are stronger for it.  You are not sub-human, but super-human, because you have made the choice to live and made the choice that your story matters.” –David Brown

Along with these brave friends of mine is, of course, my mom. When I texted her to ask if it was okay for me to blog about our experience with bipolar, she replied, “Of course! It’s awesome!” I’ve always admired her openness and honesty in sharing her experiences.

I am so incredibly proud of and grateful to these people for telling their stories. It lets me know I’m not alone in the pain that mental illness brings and reminds me that we can find strength in these difficult experiences.  

So let’s keep talking – not just today, but every day.

It may be painful. It may be terrifying. It may put you at risk and make you deeply vulnerable, but there is power in that vulnerability – in the grace, support, understanding, and healing that come through it. Let’s continue to share our stories and encourage others to share theirs. We can find power in our collective voice as we battle the stigma with our stories.


anxiety, depression, identity, mental illness, Personal Reflections, twloha, UR S.T.A.R.S.

My mental illness

As an educator, I’ve learned a lot about identity: others and my own as well. The best way to find allies is through speaking up so that’s what I intend to do in the hopes that I can be an allies for others suffering from mental illness and also that I will find allies if I speak often and loud enough.  I’m a strong advocate for social justice and making the world a little bit easier by deconstructing the ideas that society has put in my head about gender roles, sexuality, ability, skin colour etc. to help every single individual feel more comfortable but the most recent thing I myself have been struggling with is depression and mental illness. I recently was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It took me years to go to a psychologist even after being asked numerous times. I always thought I was the strong one in the family and didn’t need help; that I could work through whatever I was going through on my own. Around July, I got to a point where I knew I couldn’t handle myself on my own and I started seeing my family Psychologist who then made my diagnosis. I was too terrified that I would go to the psychologist and have her tell me that I was fine. I was literally petrified that I would be okay (silly, right?). But I’m glad that I did and I’m so grateful for the people in my life. I now know that being strong isn’t handling things on your own but instead being strong enough to ask for help or to ask for a friend when you need it. I’ve got a wonderful group of friends who put time and effort into building me up and who I hope I do the same for. My family tries to help as much as they can despite my discomfort with them. I wish I knew what to say to them but our relationship isn’t nearly as open as those with my friends but it is getting better and that’s all I ask for. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of having to choose my words carefully when I’m “not feeling well”. Today I went into work and asked to leave halfway through my shift because I was so frustrated yesterday, cried on my way home and for an hour in my driveway and then slept for a total of 3 hours the whole night. I’m really not feeling well as you can imagine but not because I’m hungover or because my boyfriend called into our workplace as well (which I didn’t know about but I can see why a manager would be suspicious of that) but because I’m exhausted and sobby and mentally not present at work. So now I’m at home, about to take a nap that will hopefully be 3 hours or more, publicly identifying for the first time  as someone who suffers from mental illness (which is terrifying). Mental illness is just as real as a cut or a cold but no one talks about it the same way we do for physical illnesses. It’s less acceptable. Seen as lazy or shy or bitchy or grumpy( all excuses I’ve used instead of being honest about my depression -which I know now fuels stigma towards mental illness) But it doesn’t make it any less valid. It’s important to take care of yourself when you’re ill and this is no exception. Take time for yourself, build your friendships up, take care and talk about it. The only way to relieve the stigma of mental illness is to talk about it. Be courageous and kind with your story. 


identity, inclusion in the classroom, learning, Personal Reflections, reflections, social justice, teaching philosophy, UR S.T.A.R.S., Writing Samples

Speaking up about Identity

I loved high school. I thrived in the small,  Lutheran private school. The community was uplifting and challenged me spiritually and mentally. I had good friends, that I can’t call good friends anymore but I still care about, we just took different paths. My path has led me to new friends that flex better into my new mindset. High school allowed me to challenge and find my strengths. I took art, english and environmental studies as higher level classes and I thought that would be enough but when I entered university I took an education class called self and other which allowed me to look at how I identify and influence other identities.

And thus a feminist emerged.

The quick definition is someone who fights for the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. The part about the sexes is what everyone is hung up on but basically it’s someone who promotes equality and rights for all people who could be oppressed through any way that they identify. For myself, I identify publicly as female, cisgender, white, heterosexual and able. As for my personality, I identify as an environmentalist, a feminist, and a sexual and mental health advocate along with many other things. In my inner discourse to myself, I often wonder about how I identify and I’m scared to identify in other ways for fear of public reaction. Sometimes I even worry about how I know if I identify as a certain thing and how to be genuine to that identity. If I come out as a certain identity, can I change my mind? But then, of course, how I identify now is just as authentic as it was ten years ago because my reality as changed and so have I. I also don’t see identity as black or white. Identities are spectrums that intersect with each other to create unique people. The biggest example for myself is the spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual. They created the words:  bisexual for someone who is attracted to both sexes, pansexual for people who are attracted to any gender or sex and asexual for people who aren’t attracted to to any sex or gender, but I don’t think that anyone should make themselves try to fit into these definitions – they should only be used as an aid to help other people understand your thought process and how you feel. Sex and gender are also both spectrums for me. It’s neater and tidier to fit into societies boxes but it’s not genuine in my opinion.

I’m still scared to be true to some of my identities but university has given me confidence to, at least, question my identities as more than what society dictates I should be. I’ve surrounded myself with people who care about the same things and through this I’ve been able to learn more through them about myself, how I treat other people, how they treat me and how relationships work. I question every relationship I have and every word that I say to ensure that, with what I know to be true at this point in time, I am saying and being the most empowering and healthy person that I can be.

Being a social justice advocate is mentally taxing because it requires constant care. It’s also very relieving because I can allow myself to just work towards this. I will never create pure social justice by myself so I don’t have to worry about being the perfect social justice advocate. For a perfectionist, like myself, this is strangely peaceful; to know that I am doing the best I can with the knowledge that I have at the time is relaxing. In a year when I know better I can correct myself or if I feel that I have made a wrong choice then I can deconstruct my thoughts and wonder why I chose to be oppressive and not have to worry that I am the issue but instead recognise that society creates these standards and I’m learning to move against them.

It’s just as scary to stand up for what you believe in as it is to identify with something. Lately I’ve been worried that my voice is being brushed off by those around me. Being an advocate for things that don’t fit into the status quo means that the majority of the people you talk to will brush you off. Some of my friends couldn’t care less when I start getting passionate about the environment and other people’s eyes get hazy when I talk about rights and equality but having these conversations and speaking your truth is the only way to deconstruct the way that society is fashioned and upkept. “Say it loud and go from there” from the tenth season of Grey’s anatomy is how I choose to speak. Even if you think people don’t want to hear it sometimes you just have to say it for yourself. I was at a social justice panel held at the University of Regina and the one thing that I took away from that was if you say things loud enough, you will find allies who care about the same things you do.